Don’t you use water to clean your hands and not just paper? Then why are we washing our post-dump rectal surface area with just toilet paper? How does it feel knowing you have the residue of in between the time you build a log cabin and the time you shower?

No excerpt needed. Just check them out.

Urinal deodorizer blocks, more colloquially known as urinal cakes, urinal mints, urinal pucks or urinal cookies, are the small disinfectant blocks found in urinals. Despite these common names, they are not in fact post-dinner treats, oral fresheners or hard disks used in ice hockey.

Do you prefer your toilet paper to unwind over the spool or under it? The Great American Toilet Paper Orientation Debate is as old as Abe Vigoda’s balls (take a second to visualize them).

So which is correct? I’m going to settle this shit right now.

Poo wants you to miss kickoff. Poo loves it when you’re running late for an important conference call. Poo gets wet over making you miss the second half of a movie. Poo simply adores wasting your golden opportunity to engage in autoeroticism while your roommate is out at the convenient store picking up a sixer of Mich Ultras.

Plunking a dookie is a very intimate experience between myself and the toilet. Some people don’t appreciate this. They thoroughly enjoy invading our privacy by lingering around the sink while we’re in the stall clinching our cheeks, trying desperately to hold back the plop sound that results from dropping the dirty anchor into the Mediturdanean Sea.

Dropping a phone into the urinal happens to each of us about as frequently as Morgan Freeman playing the role of a wise, nonthreatening black man with a soothing voice (see: Driving Miss Daisy, The Shawshank Redemption, Glory, The Dark Knight, Bruce Almighty, Se7en and about 50 other flicks).

It happens to all of us. Like clockwork, our digestion track rages like Hurricane Katrina (too soon?) with our anal levee ready to break seemingly at the same time every day. We’ve developed poo schedules.

There’s no reason to be unproductive or unentertained while your dropping the Wayans brothers off at the pool. In fact, while you’re being rectally stimulated, you might as well be mentally stimulated at the same time. Here are the top 10 iPhone apps to help you out.

I don’t want to chat about the weather, hear about your “big” weekend plans or discuss your fantasy football team while we’re touching our respective penises or wiping our anuses and trying to avoid the “finger breakthrough” that’s pretty much inevitable when we’re using the office stall’s single ply paper.

Drug-facilitated date rape is not fun. Benzodiazepines such as flunitrazepam, midazolam and temazepam (I only know the names of these chemical date rape enablers from Wikipedia) can easily find their way into your appletini anytime you temporarily desert your drink.

When to comes to seeing other people’s pictures, nothing is more entertaining than snapshots of their shit. No, I don’t have a #2 fetish but find the sheer girth, elongation or color of some people’s logs to be quite fascinating. It’s like watching Dick Clark struggle through the New Year’s Rockin’ Eve…not a pretty site but you gotta watch it anyways.

Plopping deuce into the stall toilet is a lot like Tom Hanks jettisoning the Lunar Module into the vast Pacific Ocean in Apollo 13, but much more filthy. Upon breaking the surface tension of the water, impact results in water shooting upwards towards Uranus.

Name one thing better than sitting an extra foot above the ground with an extra 6 square feet of overall leg space while taking a crap. You can’t do it. There’s simply nothing better than feeling like Henry VIII on a porcelain throne in your own mini king’s chamber while taking the Browns to the Super Bowl…

A single flush is standard. A double flush is common. A triple flush is rare. How about a quadruple flush? Have things ever been so bad that you needed to flush the toilet 4 times? The problem with a four-flusher is three fold….

If you’ve ever watched The Red Badge of Courage, Gods and Generals, Cold Mountain or Gettysburg, you saw Union and Confederate soldiers with killer ‘staches shooting and bayoneting each other. What you didn’t see, but should of, was soldiers pooing themselves to death…

This is sure to drum up a shit load of disagreement (pun always intended). I’m probably more in the minority here than Tony Danza strolling the streets of Islamabad wearing a Jesus Loves Me tank top while chomping on a foot long chili dog. There is no need to wash your hands, whether you’re done hosing the porcelain wall or just bombed the porcelain sea…

We’ve all done it. We feel a big load brewing in our stomach like Mount St. Helens just seconds before it erupted, releasing 24 megatons of thermal energy. The explosion of the volcano killed 57 people and thousands of animals, causing over a billion dollars in damages over 11 states. You feel like your eruption is about to do the same…

We humans force fellow humans into some pretty degrading situations. We make women have their cervix scraped by a speculum with a drastic 90° angle during a pap smear. We make guys bend over for a prostate exam administered by a cold-handed doctor who giggles during the procedure (that happens to everyone, right?)…

After sifting through more than 20,000 bathroom related stock images on istockphoto.com (while on the can obviously), there’s a surprising number of curious photos that fit under the category of jaw dropping, flaccid inducing and/or just awkward…