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The Average Weight of Your Dumps

February 17th, 2011

We’ve all done it. We feel a big load brewing in our stomach like Mount St. Helens just seconds before it erupted, releasing 24 megatons of thermal energy.

The explosion of the volcano killed 57 people and thousands of animals, causing over a billion dollars in damages over 11 states. You feel like your eruption is about to do the same.

So, you step on the bathroom scale just prior and just after your own blast. How much weight did you lose in those 2 minutes of orgasmic rectal outburst?

Doctors have actually determined this. In a study involving over 1,000 men, researchers found that the average stool weighed 0.7 pounds (read the study).

Here are some other noteworthy discoveries from the study:

  • Men have a significantly higher stool weight than women
  • Stool weight increased with overall body weight
  • Stool weight increased with age
  • Stool weight depends mainly on the presence of water, bacteria and fiber
  • Stool weight heavily influences size of water splash (not actually mentioned in the study)

Like a fine chardonnay, dumping gets better with age. So, an obese 60-year-old man (likely with floppy balls) is much more likely to drop sizable bombs into the “oval office” than a teenybopper girl.

The average man takes about 1.5 trips to the porcelain chamber pot each day (the half trip must be those times when you drop a ghost turd that may or may not have disappeared into the plumbing, leaving you unsure if you even shat or not).

At that rate, you shed an average of 1.05 pounds a day in dookie logs. Not bad for a day’s work.

(Note: The exact average weight of your dump is debatable, with a simple Google search bringing up different answers. The study listed above seemed the most credible, largely because the author has an MD listed after his name)

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  • 5 responses to "The Average Weight of Your Dumps"

  • Comment posted on 17th February 2011 at 22:29 Poo in theFace

    Please…I drop 2 pounders on the reg

  • Comment posted on 18th February 2011 at 22:18 ProPooper

    Definition of Couric:

    The standard unit measurement for mass weight of feces. The European Fecal Standards & Measurements Board in Z├╝rich keeps track of the authenticity of its records. One Katie Couric is about two and a half pounds of excrement. The original record was set in 1960 at 7.5 Courics. It was revealed in October 2007 that the record excrement is in fact Bono of U2 fame, which had grown to 80 Courics. This explains why Bono seems so great, yet is still a piece of shit. That same day, American Randy Marsh set the new record at 100 Courics. The record still stands.

  • Comment posted on 3rd February 2012 at 17:32 doodielover

    Man, my dumps are ‘tipping the scale’ compared to my body weight. I go from a size 4 to a 2 within 30 seconds

  • Comment posted on 27th May 2014 at 22:46 Captain Crud

    Man, I swear I just lost a whole 2 kilograms (whatever that is in pounds). Swear to God. Took 3 minutes (I timed it) of constant evacuation to get out and filled the bottom of the S bend and came up a good 10cm above, and that was laying flat coiled around itself. Total length had to have been 40-50cm. Girth was a solid 7-8cm throughout. Actually had to go up a notch in my belt when I was finished. How big is your bowel? I’d say mine was fully occupied and had even rented out the garage.

    • Comment posted on 27th May 2014 at 22:48 Elaine

      2 kilograms is about 4.4 pounds. Or about 17 Quarter Pounders.

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