Do you prefer your toilet paper to unwind over the spool or under it? The Great American Toilet Paper Orientation Debate is as old as Abe Vigoda’s balls (take a second to visualize them).

Professors have weighed it on the sociological and psychological implications of the decision.

Archie and Meathead argued over it in All in the Family. Marge Simpson was reported to Child Protective Services for hanging toilet paper in an “improper fashion.” Even the iconic and moderately attractive Ann Landers tackled the subject in a column that solicited more than 15,000 letters. This is all true.

(Side note: Who would you rather do…Marge or Ann?)

Countless surveys (seriously) have concluded that approximately 60-75% of respondents prefer their TP to hang over of the roll, leaving about 25-40% who opt for under.

So which is correct? I’m going to settle this shit right now.

You know who hangs their toilet paper under? Saddam, Joseph Goebbels, Nancy Grace, Carlton Banks, Jerry Sandusky, Karl Rove, Son of Sam, Marlo Stanfield, John Mayer, the creators of Dawson’s Creek, the executives who urge Dick Clark to continue being on the air and and a drove of others who hate freedom, puppies and Christmas. These people, and all others who select the under orientation, are scummier than an ill-attended pond.

And make no mistake. This is no trivial matter. The arguments for the over orientation clearly outweigh under.

Over makes it easier to locate and grab the paper after I download a brownload. Over eliminates the risk of scratching knuckles against the wall. In fact, the only advantage of under is that it may reduce unrolling while driving a recreational vehicle. But RV drivers are horrible human beings anyways. Most are date-rapers, child molesters and write checks at the grocery store.

According to W. C. Privy’s Original Bathroom Companion, older folks prefer to have their toilet paper dispense over the front by a margin of 4 to 1. This is the Greatest Generation we’re talking about. They’ve been around the block. Sure they steal salt and pepper dispensers from IHOP but they know their shit.

There’s actually a patented product called the Tilt-A-Roll that lets people rotate the paper holder for $19.95 plus S&H. It won third place out of 800 entrants at the 1999 INPEX invention show.

An inventor named Rocky Hutson also developed a patented device called the T.P. Swivel, which he showcased on a Discovery Channel show and to TV infomercial pitchman Anthony Sullivan.

For god’s sake, even Congress weighed in. In response to a New Hampshire referendum to ban public smoking, representative Ralph Boehm asked, “Will we soon be told which direction the toilet paper must hang from the roll?”

What’s your preference and why?