Urinal Troughs Are the Pap Smear Tests of Men’s Restrooms
We humans force fellow humans into some pretty degrading situations. We make women have their cervix scraped by a speculum with a drastic 90° angle during a pap smear. We make guys bend over for a prostate exam administered by a cold-handed doctor who giggles during the procedure (that happens to everyone, right?).
Forcing men to closely gather around a urinal trough, a metal container originally intended to hold food for mangy horses, is just as bad.
Here’s a picture of one, for the women out there who might not be familiar with these demeaning pee-collecting devices, which are found primarily at stadiums, country western bars and some other public venues.
First off, it’s a urinal circle jerk, with a dozen or so men standing shoulder-to-shoulder with their wangs out, all excreting a yellow liquid comprised of chemical by-products such as chloride and sodium.
Secondly, it deprives us of any semblance of privacy and belittles us when we see a huge wiener next to us in the corner of our eye. Stage fright affects many of us in this situation.
Finally, getting splashed by urinal ricochet is one thing. Getting hit by someone else’s? That’s 10x worse than eating from a salsa bowl that’s been double-dipped by an 80 year old former prostitute with a fresh batch of oral herpes.
No doubt these things should be outlawed. Unfortunately, when the friendly confines of Wrigley Field decides to keep these (as they did a couple years ago), it’s a losing battle.
The only saving grace with these is the ping sound it makes when your stream hits the metal, which sounds a lot like connecting perfectly with a golf ball at the driving range.